I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
