I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
