The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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