i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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