I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
it was like eating out sand paper
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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