I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
