I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
