I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home