his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy