You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
