why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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