I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
