Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
