Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
