did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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