you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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