I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
