I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
