My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
