Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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