did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
