my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
