how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
