I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
