it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
