im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
