I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
