Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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