There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
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She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
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I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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