Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
