Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Randomize
