erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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