Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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