I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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