bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
