Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
