Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am one with the molecules
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
