Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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