I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
