i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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