remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His nipple licking is glorious
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