I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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