please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
they need to just BURY HIM!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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