Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
