Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
