I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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