awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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