I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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