It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
