I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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