she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
