Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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