when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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