I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
