he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We need a shit load of segways right now
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
