Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
